symbolism_egg: (mystified Jas (by me))
[personal profile] symbolism_egg
Summary: Fou bears a burdensome responsibility: explaining to Bak where babies come from.
Rating: PG-13 for minor sexual themes
Notes: A gift for [ profile] aorin107. Happy Birthday! Thanks for listening to me go off on wild tangents such as this one (and I will gladly keep doing the same for you).
Disclaimer: The D.Gray-man series and characters do not belong to me.

It was one of those days again.

There had been twenty-eight of those days so far, but Fou was dreading this one. The twenty-ninth came with a heavy burden entrusted only to her. That was why she was striding through the halls of the Asian Branch instead of emerging from the back wall of Bak’s office. She needed to work up her resolve.

Not that she would back down. It was her responsibility to the Chang Clan, dammit.

Was she there already? She pounded on the door with one fist, sleeve flopping.

“Yes? What is it?” replied Bak, the idiot under her protection.

Fou merged into the door and stuck her head into Bak’s office. “Me,” she said.

“That would explain why the hinges nearly fell off.”

“Don’t get all huffy at me,” said Fou, stepping out to stand in front of Bak’s massive desk. “I...I came to tell you something important.”

Bak drew himself up, or at least did his best. “Thank you, Fou. Today is a very special day. I will also accept cake and modest gifts.”

“Right, Happy Birthday and all that. I was talking about—”

Bak looked down at her and finally noticed that she wasn’t holding anything. “Wong brought me cake.”

“Am I Wong? Look, I don’t even eat, you idiot.” Great. She should have known he’d drag this out instead of letting her get it over with.

Bak frowned thoughtfully. “Good point. It would probably taste terrible.”

Fou sent a kick into the side of Bak’s desk and watched him jump. “Won’t you listen to me!? I said it’s important!”

“Fine, then hurry up and tell me what it is. I do have important duties to attend to, you know.”

Fou didn’t think receiving cake and gift from well-wishers, a good half of whom had likely been browbeaten into providing birthday wishes through the course of the last week, counted as important duties, but pointing this out would only make things take longer, so she didn’t. The truly important duty was hers. Bak had been proclaiming the coming of the glorious Chang-Lee dynasty for several months now. Since his hopeless idiot crush on the Exorcist girl had no hopes of fruition, and anyway his work occupied most of his hours, it wasn’t too pressing, but it was best to be prepared.

Although on second thought, stalling had a certain allure. No, thought Fou, and said, “Your father was going to tell you something on your twenty-ninth birthday.”

Bak had been looking down at a document with official seal poised, but for a moment he wasn’t looking at anything. “You have a message from my father? Why didn’t you….”

“He was going to tell you where babies came from,” said Fou. She bravely did not run straight back out.

Bak laughed. “Oh, of course I know that, Fou. He told me that when I was nine.”

Oh, thank God, thought Fou, and all the ancestors, especially this idiot’s immediate ones. So the ever-practical Edgar had overcome his desire to shelter Bak and shared the facts, so Fou didn’t—

“My mother and father conceived me with a kiss,” Bak said, near to bursting with generations of Chang Clan pride.

Godammit, Edgar, thought Fou. She could just picture him telling the small Bak this, then smiling at Tuyi and putting an arm around her shoulder. Tuyi would have smiled back, even. Tuyi, who had removed all materials deemed “vulgar” from the Asian Branch before Bak could read. Humans were kind of stupid like that. Why did they have to choose the most roundabout ways? Fou was left to straighten things out. Always.

“You idiot, that’s not even scientifically possible!” she yelled.

“Sh-shut up! I am a gifted scientist!” said Bak. He slammed the seal down on the top document, or possibly the desk.

“Then use logic for one minute!” Okay. Fou could calm down. She did. “That was only the summarized version. He was going to tell you the rest later.”


“Idiot,” added Fou, to make herself feel better. And to distract the idiot.

It wasn’t so long ago that Bak had turned two. (Another one of those days, twenty-seven times ago.) Tuyi and Edgar had been sitting in a more modest office down this very hall, watching a smaller and chubbier Bak holding the mouth of an empty flask in his fist and squinting at it. Fou was hidden the wall, guarding like a good Guardian should.

“I heard you were telling Huang’s son about the birds and the bees the other day,” Tuyi said, lips curved with a faint amused smile.

“Oh, well,” said Edgar, “these are important facts that everyone should know.” Embarrassed, he ran a hand through his shaggy hair.

“You’re not going to teach Bak about that anytime soon, are you now?”

“Hahaha, of course not! He’s our son.”

Tuyi’s smile grew. “Good. There are some things he’s best not knowing until he has to.” It had sounded to Fou like she had a definite mental list containing each and every of these things, and would be locking them all away in a drawer Bak couldn’t find.

“All too many of them,” Edgar sighed.

“Like mayonnaise.”

“What? Come now, it’s not so bad.”

A member of the staff rapped twice on the door, then opened it. He addressed Tuyi. “Your father would like to speak with you, ma’am.”

“All right.” She rose, and turned to address Edgar as she went. “It’s disgusting.”

“I like it.” He smiled pleasantly at her, and she laughed, just from being happy, so far as Fou could tell. She closed the door.

Bak was now trying to eat his hat. Fou stepped out of the wall and lifted it out of his reach. He stretched his hands upwards with a cry of complaint.

“So when’s a good time to teach your son about human reproduction?” asked Fou. She hadn’t been created for anything of the sort, and although, not being stupid, she’d learned the facts long ago, she didn’t know the answers to questions like these.

“Hmm.” Edgar looked down at his son. “I’ll have to discuss it with Tuyi.”

“Hey, that’s not an answer,” said Fou, flopping the hat around two feet above Bak’s head. He latched onto her sleeve instead and cackled in infant delight.

“In that case…I’d say twenty-nine is the perfect age.”

Sure, he’d probably chosen an age at random. He hadn’t even been near twenty-nine at the time. But here she was. With Bak staring at her expectantly.

“Bak,” she said. “When a baby…well, taking you as an example, when your mother and father fell in love, together they made…like so.” She waved her arms around. “The human body….”

At least he was listening, she’d give him that much.

“The woman has a body know, kind of like this one. And the man doesn’t. Then the infant inherits genes from both parents, which you know, because you constantly tell me,” said Fou. “Because they come together.”

She would rather be anywhere else than here and suspected this was making the words not come out right. Or she could have stayed in the wall and told him from where he couldn’t see her. As if she’d retreat now.

Bak was still staring.

“Then the sperm. And the, um. Pistil. If you look at flowers, two flowers in love—”

“Fou,” said Bak, “could you start over and explain this in a human language?”

Just when she’d almost finished! Fou fixed him with a glare. “You were born from an egg!” she said, and stomped out without opening the door.

So she couldn’t quite do it. It wasn’t her fault.

When you came down to it, though, Edgar and Tuyi had created an intelligent child (even if he was a colossal idiot sometimes). He’d figure it out.

Heartened by this, Fou drowsed off inside her gate.


Left alone in his office, Bak put a hand to his chin. Fou’s explanation held up against logic, because his father had told him, back when he was five, that a stork had carried him to his loving parents when they were newlyweds.

This, however, could not possibly be the entire story. He was not going to pursue the subject when Fou was in this bad temper. He would have to use other sources.

Bak recalled an entry of in his father’s diary. Explained to Yuu the facts of life today, his father had written, then fallen mysteriously silent.

Bak reached for the phone and dialed. His authority clearance as Branch Chief allowed him through to the golem, and he was rewarded with static.


“Kanda, I have a question….”


Fou for Aorin 2

(Fou version)

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February 2011

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